Healing. Restoration. Happiness

I've always heard people talk about life being a roller coaster but I've never really had an appreciation for what that meant until this year. 2015 has been full of emotions. At times I was up and felt like I could conquer the world and at other times I was down so low I couldn't see purpose in anything in my life and I experienced pain that I thought would never stop or go away.  I've had times where my confidence was so high, I felt like the most royal of queens, and I've also experienced times where I felt so inadequate like I wasn't good enough. Through everything, God always sustained me. He never left me and He always picked me up when I was down. The highs didn't last and neither did the pain. 

When I look back over 2015, I sometimes find myself focusing on things that I could have done better and things that I could have changed but I realize, as cliche as it may be, everything really does happen for a reason. I wouldn't be who I am at this moment in time if it wasn't for everything that I've experienced, especially over the past year. 

One of the biggest things that I'm still trying to learn and put into practice is to "Let it go!" Whatever "it" is, shouldn't have to be forced. No matter whether it's school, a job, a relationship, or whatever, you shouldn't be miserable trying to make it work. That's not what God  wants for you. I'm not saying that everything will be easy or that you won't experience challenges, but what is meant for you will never miss you. So if a fight is one sided "let it go!" Don't run yourself ragged trying to chase something that may not even be for you. God's got you and your time will come. 

I don't know what the future holds, but what I do know is that God loves me and God knows the desires of my heart. God wants what is best for me and because of that I have to let go of what I think I know and let him take the wheel, completely. I'm not one to say new year, new me, but I am thankful for the close of 2015. It was a difficult year and I'm ready to make 2016 amazing. 

My desires for 2016 are Healing, Restoration, and Happiness.

Hope everyone has a great New Year! 

Love, 

JayCherie

Discontent With Being Content

I've been struggling to write another post, not because I'm busy or anything, but because I'm very un-busy( I'm sure I just made up a word). My life is very stagnant right now and it's very frustrating. I have a job....and I have a job. Other than that I'm just living life waiting for the next good thing to happen...and to know me is to know that patience is something that I struggle with, so waiting is not something I'm particularly good at.

So instead of keeping myself busy and thinking about how I can make the best of my time, I started doing what you should never do...comparing my life to other people's lives. Don't get me wrong, I'm very blessed. I have a degree, I have a job that allows me to live decently, I'm content. But I've started to become discontent with being content. I want more. I want new and exciting and I don't have that right now. And that's when the comparing began.

Last week I was scrolling through Instagram and Facebook (I'm positive social media is the #1 killer of peace) and I started seeing all of these people announcing engagements, getting married, announcing that they're having babies, getting these awesome jobs, going to school and I started getting upset because none of that is happening for me right now. I want to get my dream job, I want to get married, I want to have babies so WHEN IS MY TIME? I want everything all at once. I know it doesn't work that way, but my wants began to outweigh what I knew.

My peace became interrupted, once again. I live my life to please God. When I lose sight of that, I tend to stop doing things that are pleasing to Him, and in turn, I lose some of the ammunition that I need to fight the devil. That's when the devil goes to work and my peace is diminished.

I'm still struggling with it at the moment, but I felt drawn to write about it because I'm sure there are others out there who feel the same way. Something that I know, but I temporarily lost sight of is that other people's lives aren't what you see them post. That is why I make an effort to be very transparent. I know that I can post things and make my life seem so amazing and perfect, but that's not how it is in the slightest. I'm constantly growing and I want to share my journey with others so that they can hopefully learn something from my experiences.

Psalm 37:3-4 - Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. (NIV)

Something that I've started to ask myself when I get discontent is "what is it that is stopping me from receiving my blessings?" I want God to do things in my life, but am I doing everything that He is asking of me?

I think that we tend to get so distracted by our lives that we forget that God has a purpose for us. God knows what He needs to do for you, but sometimes there are things He needs you to do first or a place He needs you to get to before you can receive what is meant for you. He longs for us and He wants us completely and totally so that we can fulfill the purpose He has for us. We go through hard times so that we can learn to trust him completely. We experience good times because of His grace and mercy and so that we can see His love for us. But whether good or bad, God still wants us to cling to Him always.

Through my experiences I've learned that God will do whatever it takes to get your attention if He sees you drifting. He will start removing everything that is taking your focus away from Him until you realize that you are nothing without Him.

It doesn't matter what you think you need in life. If you are obedient, and you trust God, He will provide, "exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever ask or think." Obedience is hard, but obedience brings blessings!

Whatever you may be going through, know that it is all going to work out exactly how God intended it to! Listen to what He is asking of you and just do it! It's so worth it in the end!

Love,

JayCherie

23.

The year of 23 was much anticipated for me. It's not the same milestone as reaching 18 and finally being "legal", or 21, or 25...but for me I couldn't wait for 23. Twenty-two was a tough year for me. At first I was saying that 22 was a terrible year , but when I was talking to a friend, she said that it wasn't a bad year because a lot of good things came out of it and she was exactly right. A better way to look at it was that 22 was a year of growth, and growth is painful. 

One of the things that I'm thankful to have gained from the past year is learning to love myself unconditionally. I've always thought I loved who I was, but when things got tough over the past year, I started to doubt myself. I had moments where I thought I wasn't good enough. But from that I learned that I am enough and I will always be enough. I don't think it's unusual to feel inadequate at times, most people do, but it's important to be able to pick yourself back up and realize that if God gives you something, He also equips you with the tools necessary to be the best you can be.

If you don't truly love and accept yourself, flaws and all, how can you expect someone else to do the same? If you're awkward, embrace it. If you're weird, be weird. Love yourself without hesitation because there's only one you and God made you who you are for a purpose. Only you can carry out the story that God has written for you and if you're busy trying to be like somebody else, you'll get off track from your destiny.

Looking back over the last year of my life, I can really say that I have learned so much about myself. I'm pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't want to be. My imperfections are part of what makes me who I am. I've found purpose in my flaws. I've realized that my imperfections can be used to help me fulfill my purpose by embracing them and repurposing them. I'm emotional, but now I use my emotions more for empathizing with others and loving on others rather than lashing out at people. I'm really weird and awkward, but I use it to make people laugh. I talk a lot, sometimes too much, but now I try hard to make sure that my words are purposeful. 

I'm learning to be exactly who I am, unapologetically. 

I have grown in ways that I never would have if I hadn't faced the situations I faced, and I love myself more than I ever have. I thank God for 22, but I'm ready for the adventure that 23 has for me. Something is telling me it's going to be the best year yet and I'm ready for it! 

Happy Sunday!

Love, 

JayyCherie

Ps. Thank you for everyone who made my 23rd birthday amazing! It was one of the best ones I've had!

Are you His friend?

Have you ever had a friend who you were always there for no matter what? No matter the time, no matter the circumstance, you were always there when they needed you. But when it came down to you needing them, even for something as simple as needing someone to talk to, they couldn't make the time. You couldn't understand how you could give so much of yourself, but they couldn't do the same in return. It probably made you feel like, "what's the point of this relationship (friendship, significant other, or any other type of relationship)?"

Think about your relationship with God. He is always there when you need Him. 24/7. You wake up in the middle of the night, He's there for you to talk to Him. You need someone to listen to, He's always listening. You have something you need, He always provides. Whenever, wherever, for whatever. But what are you giving him in return? Are you that friend that's always taking, but never giving?

At the beginning of this year, I was at church, and the pastor was talking about the importance of going to church and he said, "We want a full-time God for part-time worship. How can we fight what the devil is brewing if we only give God half of what He gives us?" That is something that has resonated with me ever since because it makes sense. If I'm not constantly seeking God, building up my spirit, and strengthening my walk,  I won't be ready to fight a battle if something were to go wrong.

I never was one to think that you have to go to church every Sunday to love God, and that is true, going to church doesn't prove whether or not you love God, but I've learned that the church was designed so that you can gather around others who worship the same God as you and can help you strengthen your relationship with God. I don't miss church if I can help it. I've learned that in the moments where I really don't "feel" like going is when I need to go to most. It is in that moment that God always sends a message that I need to hear.

But a relationship with God is about more than going to church.Everybody's relationship with God will be different and I'm not here to tell anybody what they should or should not be doing.

God wants to be your friend. He wants to hear from you and hear how things are going even though He already knows. He's always there for you and all He wants is for you to listen to Him and to make time for Him. But not only when you need something. Talk to Him, write to Him, put on some music and worship Him in your house. It doesn't have to be much but He wants all of you and He deserves all of you!

In my own personal experience, I've learned that when I spend time with God, everything feels so much more at peace. It doesn't mean everything is going perfect, but I don't stress as much. In the times that I let my life distract me from spending time with God is when things start to go haywire. I'm irritated by the smallest of things and my spirit is just discontent.

Now you may be reading this and thinking, "I don't do all of that and my life is still blessed" and that may be true. That is because God is a God of grace and mercy. He loves you so He wants you to be happy. But God deserves so much more than you relying on His grace and mercy. So my advice is to spend a little time with God everyday and see the amazing things He does for you!

Happy Sunday!

JayCherie

Emotionally Stable

It's November 1st, and in 18 days I will be 23 years old. And for the last 22 years, or as far back as I can remember, I have been one of the most emotional people ever. For a while I was beginning to think that being emotional was a bad thing. It always caused me so many problems. Everything makes me cry... being mad, sad, happy, annoyed, you name it, if the emotion is strong enough, I'll most likely start crying and I can't seem to stop it... Unfortunate I know.

Over the past few months as I've really started to look at myself and who I am, I've realized that being emotional is not as bad as I had began to believe. Being emotional is part of what makes me who I am, a very loving, compassionate, and empathetic person. I've learned that the problem wasn't being emotional, it was not being able to control the emotions or channel them in the right directions. I would get emotional and expect somebody else to fix it. But the truth is, I'm control of how I feel, nobody else. I can't let things out of my control determine whether or not I'm at peace within. And over the last few months, I've really learned to handle everything in life and keep my peace.

Earlier this week, I had a moment of weakness. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I had an idea of what it was and sure that played a part into why I wasn't at peace, but I knew that it wasn't just that cut and dry. So I prayed and I asked God to restore my peace because it was gone and once He did, I realized what was wrong.

I had allowed my happiness to be controlled by external circumstances. I've learned that every time that happens, I lose control over myself. I lose control of my emotions and my mind, and it's reflected externally... most of the time leading to unnecessary turmoil. Although it was a temporary moment of backsliding, I can't allow that to happen. I've moved past that phase of my life and if I continue to allow it to happen, it may eventually lead me to go back to old habits. Like a recovering alcoholic, they can't just take a sip and act like everything is all good and continue to say "oh, it won't happen again", they must be intentional about keeping control of themselves or it most likely will happen again.

Being stable in your emotions is important because if you're emotionally unstable, it's destructive and counterproductive to God's plan for your life. Trust God and don't allow what's happening around you to disturb your inner peace. If you can't control it, don't stress it!

Love,

JayCherie

Hearing God's Voice

When I started to get serious about my relationship with God, one thing I longed for was to hear His voice so that I'd know exactly what He was telling me to do. I began praying and telling God that I would do whatever it was that He wanted me to do, but I wasn't sure of what He was telling me or how to find out.

I've read blogs and other people's stories about how they hear God speaking to them and how they hear His voice and I wanted to hear it too, but I didn't know how to. I tried to do what other people were doing so that I could hear His voice, but it wasn't working.  The more my relationship with God grew, the more I realized how detrimental it was to my own growth to compare my life and my relationship with God to somebody or someone else's. I think a lot of times, we want to find a step-by-step manual of how things work, when there is no "one size fits all" manual for the life that was tailor-made just for us.  

When I stopped paying attention to what everyone else was doing and focusing on myself, I started to hear God, but not in the way I thought I would hear Him. 

I've always felt God speaking to me, but I wasn't always sure if I was hearing Him, or whether I was making stuff up in my head, just to find a solution to the situation at hand. I would constantly doubt what I was hearing and eventually I learned that God speaks to me through others. He brings people into my life that love Him and that are trying to live for Him in the same way that I am and He relays His messages of reaffirmation to me through them. 

I may not even mention something that I'm going through to anyone, and then somebody I'm close with will start talking about something that applies directly to what I may be going through at the time. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but once I followed what I heard, things would start to line up and I would feel at peace. That's how I learned how God speaks to me. 

Now that I know how to hear God's voice in my life, I must be obedient in what He's telling me to do! I know it won't always be what I want to hear, but I've learned that God never fails me, and if I do what He asks of me, the reward will be worth it! 

Love,

JayCherie 

Heartbreak is a healer

I didn't know who I was anymore when I looked in the mirror. What had my life become? Had I became the author for a story I know nothing about? I was successful for the most part. I had a full scholarship for my undergraduate career and I had an internship or research fellowship every summer. I got into a PhD program that was fully funded with a stipend, so I had no student loans, and I was able to provide for myself. I was in a relationship that wasn't perfect, but I was hopeful and I made it look like the fairytale I wanted it to be. So from the outside looking in, life was pretty great. But on the inside I was dying. I had everything that you would think that I could ever want, but I wasn't happy inside. I wasn't walking in my purpose. I wasn't following God's plan. So that's when God went to work.

For me it started with heartbreak, and as crazy as it may sound, heartbreak can heal you, that is if you let God do the healing.

Heartbreak can feel like the worst thing in the world. It's like taking something that's attached to your body and ripping it off. It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves wounds that eventually turn into scars. But for me, it gave me hope. 

I had to find God's love. 

God has always been a central part of my life. My morals and my values are all centered around God. But a lot of times, my relationship with God got put on the back burner without even realizing it. When heartbreak came, God showed me just how much He loved me. I saw how He was always there, through every weak moment, for all of the tears, He was always there. The love that I was looking for can only be found through Him, and that's when the healing began.

Losing someone you love can be like losing a piece of yourself, but the thing about it is, if you let God fill the emptiness you feel, you'll feel a joy that is indescribable. It felt like the day would never come where I would wake up and be happy just because. For the longest time, I thought the tears would never stop. It felt like I'd never be "okay", but today, I'm better than "okay". I'm great! Because God loves me, and if that's all He ever does for me, that's more than enough.

Happy Friday!

Love,

JayCherie

Walking in your purpose

During the last couple of years of my life, I've really began to see just how much my life is not about me. But as I'm beginning to walk in my purpose and following God's plan for my life, I'm starting to see just how true that is. 

This is the beginning of my second week of teaching and in 6 days, I've seen so much that's different from the world I knew when I was in the 8th grade. The things kids say and do, their boldness and audacity is interesting, to say that least. I was "warned" before I started, but I refused to form an opinion of these kids and automatically label them as "bad" just because of other people's opinions of them. I wanted to get to know them for myself. This is my first time teaching and in 6 days, I've learned so much. 

The first thing I've learned is how much I don't know. I like to know everything and I like to always be in the loop. It's a constant battle with myself to remember that it's okay to not know everything. There will always be more to learn. I've also learned that they need me. For some of them, I may be one of the most positive female role models in their life, and that means that I have to be the best me that I can possibly be, not only for myself, but for them. 

Everything that I do affects my students. They are watching my every move. 

They know that the number one rule of my classroom is respect, and although they are still struggling with understanding what exactly respect means, they know that in order to receive respect, it must be given. They also know that there is no profanity in my classroom. On the first day, someone asked me why they couldn't use profanity and I told them that I don't use it, so I don't expect them to use it while they're in my classroom. They were so shocked that I didn't use profanity. So I asked them what the point of it was, and they said, "It helps you to get your point across because some people won't understand what you're trying to say if you don't use it." That's not what I want them to think. I want them to know my classroom is a safe haven and that they can get there point across just as clear without using profanity. 

That's just one of the many things that I've encountered in my first 6 days as a teacher. But I don't think they're bad. Some of them are disrespectful, some of them have anger tucked away, some of them just want to express themselves, but deep down for the most part, they're not bad. So now it's my job to help them discover themselves and just how great they are. I'm not just a science teacher for them. I'm a listener, I'm a supporter, I'm an encourager and so much more. 

At the end of the day, I may be tired, but I'm happy. God has given me this task and I'm more than willing to do whatever it takes to perform to the best of my abilities. I never thought walking in my purpose would be easy, because it is definitely not, but I know that it's more than worth it. 

Love, 

JayCherie

The beginning of a new story

When God blesses us, I believe that He wants us to share our stories so that we can inspire and give hope to others. So here's my story. 

In May 2014 I graduated from North Carolina A&T State University with a BS in Bioengineering and was on my way to Wake Forest University to pursue my PhD in Biomedical Engineering. I was excited and to be honest, now that I look back on it, I was so excited because I got to stay where I was comfortable. The triad area had became my home over the last few years. So to stay in a familiar area around people that I knew was very comforting to me. I always said that God wanted me in Winston for a reason, not really understanding what that reason was. 

Looking back, I believe that God allowed me to stay in a comfortable environment to then make me uncomfortable so that I could grow. 

Almost a year ago to the day, I remember walking into the first day of orientation thinking, "Why in the world am I here? I don't want to be here." But I remember shaking it off because it was an amazing opportunity that most people don't get.  I kept telling myself to push through it and that it would eventually get better. But it never really got better. I thought that the issues I was having outside of school were the reasons why I didn't like it, but in reality, I think God used all aspects of my situation to push me to what He had planned for me. At the time I couldn't see or understand that. 

The first semester I was failing a class (which I have NEVER done), and the professor reached out to my advisor and told him that I wasn't performing well. So my advisor talked to the Dean of the graduate school and I was able to drop the class a week before finals without any penalty (look at God!). After that I thought that I would go into the next semester more focused. My personal life was getting better, so I thought that everything was on the upswing. I went into the second semester very optimistic. Although, I still didn't enjoy the program I was in, I loved research and I figured that I would push through since I'd only have to take classes for another year or so. 

As the second semester went on, my personal life started falling apart, again, I was failing yet another class, and I just wasn't happy. I felt like God was pulling me away from the program. But I didn't understand. In my mind I wasn't prepared for anything other than graduate school. Since my sophomore year, I had it made up in my mind that I was going to graduate school, so I had done research every summer and I only had one industry internship. I didn't feel like I was prepared to go get a job in the "real world". I didn't know what I was going to do.

One day I reached my breaking point. I was so broken down from my personal life and I was just mentally drained from failing a class. My advisor kept blaming my poor performance in one class on me being "inadequately prepared" and I couldn't deal with his lack of support. I was so overwhelmed that I went to his office and told him that I was leaving and all he said to me was, "okay". Okay? I couldn't believe that that was his only response to me telling him I was going to leave. I felt so invaluable. 

The things that have happened over the course of the last year really took a toll on me. I felt very unwanted and at unworthy of almost everything. It felt like everything that I ever wanted and thought that I had was being taken away from me. So me being typical me, I went into "fix-it" mode. I was trying to open up every door that God was closing. I was trying everything to make a way for myself when all I needed to do was rest in God. I didn't like being vulnerable and I didn't like not knowing what the future held. 

I've always had a relationship with God, but I didn't realize how far I was from Him until He started removing everything that was distracting me from Him. I was unintentionally putting things in front of Him and I was getting further away from discovering my purpose. God was always with me, even in my lowest of places. I began to pray and be intentional in my prayers about what I needed and that was simply, I needed to feel God's love. I needed to feel His peace in my life. And that's exactly what He gave me. In the midst of everything around me falling apart, I had never felt more at peace.

God became my everything. 

As the summer went on, I tried to switch to other PhD programs, I applied for many jobs, but nothing was working. I knew God had something for me, but I also knew that "Faith without works is dead", so I kept applying for jobs. August rolled around and I still had nothing. I was preparing to have my parents help me with my bills and using my savings to pay for things until I found a job. I had put in an application earlier in the summer for a teaching position because it is something I was interested in doing, but I didn't think anything of it because I have no teaching experience. But on August 10, I get a call from a local school asking me to come in for an interview the next day. I go in for an interview and at the end, they tell me that they would like me to come teach for them! 

I'm a planner, which can be terrible when strengthening your faith and waiting on God, and I had my whole life planned out. I was going to go get my PhD, maybe get married somewhere along the way, get a job in industry after so I could make "good" money, and then maybe go back and teach one day once I had children. I had my whole life planned out in my eyes, but God  showed me just how easily our plans can change. 

God has taken the story that I had envisioned for my life and began rewriting it. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am no longer planning out my life. Where God tells me to go, I will go. What God tells me to do, I will do. I have put down my own pen and I'm letting God finish my story for me. 

Everybody has a story, everybody has a journey, and this is just the beginning of the next phase of my journey! 

Love, 

JayCherie

Withstanding Rejection

I don't think I can take anymore rejection, anymore disappointment, any more "no's". I think I've reached my limit for the time being. From my personal life, to my "career" life, I just keep hearing people tell me "no", and  at times I'm just over it. I just want to stop trying because it feels like "what's the point?"

Well the point is, maybe God has another story for me, because the story that I want, or that I thought I wanted, isn't working out like I thought it would. Maybe there's some things that God has to work out for me so that I can have everything that I've ever dreamed of. I know it'll be okay, but at times it doesn't feel like it. But then I realized that nobody like rejection. Nobody likes to be told no, but it's all a part of life.

Rejection can be God's protection. God may need to finish working on something before you can have it or God may have other plans for you, but either way, we must no that God doesn't keep anything that is good from us. Maybe we're not ready for that promotion, maybe we're not whole enough to be in a relationship, maybe we're not financially stable enough to buy a house. Just because the answer is no, doesn't mean it's always going to be no.

That's the part that I have trouble with. The answer to a lot of things that I want (or that I think that I want) seems to be no right now. But when is it going to be yes? You may be just like me thinking "When is it going to be my turn to shine?", "When am I going to find my purpose in life?" But we have to challenge ourselves not to think about those things. Not to think about when the things that we want are going to come to pass. We need to be using this time of being in the dark to continue growing. Maybe we're not at the place God wants us to be at yet and therefore He's not going to give me something that I am not ready for. So I just have to keep trusting God and know that He is going to fulfill His promises to me.

God knows your heart and He will never fail you. God makes no mistakes, so know that everything that is happening to you is happening as a part of God's plan for your life!

Psalms 147:5 "How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!" 

-- JayCherie

Facing Failure

When you fail at things in life, sometimes it can feel like the end of the world. It seems like everything around you is falling apart and you can't seem to stop it. You don't know where you went wrong because maybe just a couple of years ago, you had a world full of opportunities. Opportunities that are now obsolete, or they seem to be in your eyes. 

So what happened? 

You fail to realize that there's more to life than what you can see. That's where faith comes in. It may appear as if everything around you is falling apart, but really God is working to tear down the old house that you're currently living in so that He can build you a new one. But you can't see that. All you can see is everything that you're losing. You don't see the new foundation that is waiting to be laid. You don't see the wood that's being treated to give the house a stronger frame than the one before. You don't see the new walls and the new flooring. You can't seem to let go of all of the old memories that were in the old house. 

You can't see that God is molding you to be the person He needs you to be. You don't think you're ready. 

One of my struggles recently is trusting God's timing.  In the past, everything has always worked in a seemingly orderly fashion and seemingly easy for me. But now He's taking things away and closing doors.It feels like nothing I do makes anything better. And honestly, most times it's really hard for me to sit and wait for Him to work. I always feel like there's something that I need to be doing or something that I should be doing so that I can fix everything that I feel like I messed up. But what if I really didn't mess up anything? That's the question I keep asking myself. The closer I get to God, the more I realize that everything happens for a reason. Although I may have acted irrationally or didn't prioritize like I should have and I feel like I've messed up everything because of the place that I'm in now, I'm exactly where I need to be. 

Sometimes God has to strip you of everything to mold you and to prepare you for what He has planned for you.  

So just wait and trust God and know that He's working all things out for your good. Believe that better is coming. Storms don't last forever, even if it's been months, or even years. It will get better! 

Romans 8:28 (NIV) "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." 

Dear Lost Jay,

Now that I've finally found you, there's some things I want to share...

You were so amazing. You had this greatness that everybody could see and that everybody loved. Why did I ever let you leave? Did I not realize how special you were? Maybe I was scared of the woman I was becoming because I knew that road would be a difficult one, so I let you go and I became something else instead because I thought it would be easier. I don't think that I was ready to work as hard as you wanted me to and so pushed you away. I wanted love, not to work hard and be better. So I chose love over you. But how silly of me to think that love would work without you. Because you complete me and I can't love somebody how they need to be loved if I'm incomplete.

I'm so thankful that God brought you back to me. 

Without you I feel so empty and alone, and I've been trying to fill that void, but it's you I've been looking for. You're spirit is what makes me who I am. When you left, I lost my touch. I was scared without you. I can't be great without you because you had this drive about you that pushed me to be great even when I didn't feel like being great. I lost my balance. I lost my focus. I couldn't even love properly. And it was all because I lost you... 

I wanted an easy life, and you challenged me to go after the impossible. But I'm not scared anymore because I live by faith, not by sight. I was so stuck on what I could see, not what I knew. I don't want an easy life because easy things aren't always worth it. As the saying goes, "Nothing worth having comes easy".

So I'm ready for this new adventure and I promise to not push you away and to always choose you. Because without you I'm not me...

My life is not about me

My whole life I've been taught that if you do well and you do what you're supposed to do, good things will come. Although that is true, I began to do what I "thought" were the right things just in an attempt to get what I wanted. But my heart wasn't always in the right place. I've been living this life, thinking that I was doing what God wanted me to do just so I could get what I wanted from Him. 

How wrong is that? 

It's not something that I ever realized I did until everything that I wanted got taken away and things started falling apart. I began to sit and reflect on my life and take a deeper look inside myself. I began to see that I was attempting to please God so that He would bless me and not because that's what He deserves. I wasn't doing it intentionally, but I was still doing it. I would tell God that I would give up certain things and that I would stop doing certain things if He would just give me things that I wanted. How inconsiderate of me? How dare I ask the One who wakes me up everyday and allows me to live that life that I live to give me more in return for doing what He asks me to do? He doesn't owe me anything. 

After 22 years of being on this earth, I finally get it. God will bless me however He wants to whenever He is ready. But in the meantime, I need to live a life that is pleasing to Him because that is what He deserves. I want to see Him one day and when I do, I want Him to be pleased with the life I lived. 

My life isn't about me. It's not just about the things that I want or that I feel like I need. Yes, there are things that I want that I don't have, and there are things that have been taken away that I don't understand why, but God's will is bigger than anything that I can see or understand. God is a God of restoration and He can do things that we could never imagine.

So for now I rest in Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And with this I am finally able to understand the scripture that I've been replaying in my head over and over again for the past year and a half, Philippians 4:6-7. 

Dear old love

In a field full of roses, you're the one that spoke to me. 

You had this uniqueness about you that others may not have appreciated, but I loved. 

I carried you everywhere I went and you made everyday brighter. 

Whenever you would start to wilt, I would nourish you, and for a while, that's all you needed to pep back up and bloom again. 

But one day something changed, whatever I was feeding you wasn't working. 

It seemed like the harder I tried to keep you alive, the worse you became. 

Now I'm standing here holding onto your stem that's covered in thorns, while your flower has fallen off... 

I'm left with wounds that won't stop bleeding until I let go of your stem that once carried life into your body. 

I want to heal but to do that is to let go , so that's what I had to do. 

It's not easy because your thorns were embedded so deep that taking them out caused me more pain than I cared to experience. 

The wounds will heal and over time the scars will fade, but the pain....the pain is something I don't know if I can ever forget. 

So goodbye old love, always know that in a field full or roses, you were my favorite.

Beauty in Brokenness

Life changes so quickly. It can leave you feeling numb and have you in denial, but when reality sets in, you begin to feel empty and hopeless. When you put so much time and effort into something and it doesn't go the way you planned it, it leaves you feeling like you've failed and has you asking God, "why?"  You think you do everything right and you try your hardest, but it's still not good enough and you don't get what you worked so hard for. How else is there to feel other than defeated and broken?

Over time God will reveal to you why He allows things to happen, but you have to be open to accept it. 

You may find yourself saying, "I don't want to be broken", " I don't want to be damaged", but the truth is, everybody is damaged or broken in one way or another. The important thing is to acknowledge your brokenness and let God heal you. It's hard. Probably one of the hardest things in life because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Days run together, you're just going through the motions, and you can't seem to pull yourself up. Your feel stuck. You pray constantly and it seems like God is silent. You know He's trying to teach you to trust Him, but you're begging for Him to say something or open up a door that will help you see a little glimpse of hope, but He's still silent. All you can seem to think is "it's not fair". But life isn't fair. 

So how do you get through? 

You keep pushing. Everyday, you wake up and you tell yourself everything is okay. You go through the day, take time to cry if you need to, but don't get stuck there. Get yourself together. Listen to music, call everybody you can think of, do anything to get your mind off of the pain and defeat you feel. Don't dwell in the pain because pain is only temporary and you don't want to make it a permanent home. You keep trusting God and you go through the motions until one day there's no more tears to cry. 

One day you wake up and smile, not because you have everything that you want, but because you have everything you need. God would never take away something you needed. No matter how much you thought you needed it, you'll one day realize just how blessed you are, with or without it.So you smile, because you realize that as long as God loves you, nothing else in the world matters. 

No matter what struggle you are going through in life, know that God is always there. He allows things to happen for a reason. We may not always understand why we didn't get the job we wanted, the person we wanted, but God has a plan and we just have to trust in Him and in His timing. 

There's beauty in brokenness. Think of a glow stick, it has to be broken before it can 
shine.

Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

Complement not Complete

The thing that makes somebody so great is when they complement you but they don't complete you. You don't need them, but you know you're better with them.

Sometimes it's crazy to think that there is actually somebody out there who has what you lack, but when you find it, you don't want to let it go. The thing about finding somebody that has what you lack is that at times it's hard to trust something you know nothing about. It's not that you don't trust them, but it's fear of losing yourself. You love them so much and you know what they can do for you, but yet you fight them because it's been you your entire life and all you know is yourself and how you operate alone.  

Now that you've found somebody that cares and is willing to come into who you are it's kind of nerve wrecking, because once you let them in completely, they have the power to try and destroy you. The thing is, there shouldn't be fear of losing yourself if you find somebody who can give you something to add to what you already have. "But they don't know me like I know myself " is what we're so ready to tell ourselves, but if you think about it, God gives you people for a reason. He gives you people who see things in you that you can't see in order to teach you something. 

Our stubbornness and our failure to let open that last piece of ourselves, the piece that will allows us to grow, is what keeps us stagnant. Sometimes we think that we are as open as we can be, but when the person who you say you want to let in can't get in or can't get to you, you have to reevaluate yourself and see that maybe you're more closed off than you think. We're so quick to point the finger and tell the other person that maybe they're not trying hard enough, but maybe we need to look at our own effort. 

It's easier to blame somebody else rather than to blame ourselves, as immature as that may be. No matter how old you are, or how mature you are, there will most likely come a time where you should be looking at the fault within yourself, but you try to find fault in others. We don't want to admit that we're wrong. It's hard, it takes a shot at our pride to admit when we've failed and as humans, we're very prideful. 

Will we let our fear, our inability to be vulnerable, our failure to see fault within ourselves, and our pride to destroy us and make us miss out on what could be?

The reality of it all is that when you find someone who complements you, you know that life wouldn't be the same without them. You would be fine without them, but still, life just wouldn't be the same.